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Date: Tue, 30 Sep 2014 09:34:07 -0700

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rocker in kabuki makeup and 7-inch stiletto heels wailing at the top of his shredded falsetto voice. (Eh, just kidding ... but it would be a nice touch for the soccer moms if Kuma's ever opens up a Schaumburg branch.) Kuma's is small. The bar holds maybe 20 people on a good day, and the dining room not that many more. But the burgers are big. Too big, I think. That's the only complaint I have about the massive Mastadon, which was delicious mess of dripping, sweet BBQ and generously piled onion string. And ah, the burger itself: A juicy, tender, slightly smoky patty of grilled bliss on a big-ass pretzel bun. But ... it had me reeling in a semi-food coma before I was halfway done. They should offer lighter bites on the burger side, though I suppose Kuma's would lose some of its Hammer of Thor charm. And sorry, burger fans, but while they're serving very high-quality beef here, there's nothing grass fed, so my sources tell me (the healthiest and arguably tastiest cut). If you're lookin
g for that kind of burger nirvana, try Edzo's in Evanston, the best I've had to date. (But make sure to go at 11 a.m., before the Evanston Lemmings arrive.) But again, the burgers are fab here and the service rocked, at least on my visit. I chatted up the hostess after the meal (not revealing my identity as the Yelp Skeptic) and she told me that Kuma's really is family. I believe her. Everyone there treated me like they wanted me to come back, even though I'd take the Clash, the Jam or even Britney Spears over Pantera or Pig Destroyer any day. All that sorcerers-of-death decor and the drone of industrial sludge in the background only convinced me further how funny almost all heavy metal is--except for Spinal Tap, which is really' funny. Next time