Subject: [ippm] comments on draft-ietf-ippm-multimetrics-09

From: "Loki Jorgenson" <[email-masked]>
Date: Wed, 4 Mar 2009 17:34:04 -0800

Comments related to meaning and readability - most of the following are
simply corrections to mangled English (seeming ESL errors) - in some
cases the original intention is not apparent.  Nothing of technical
issue is raised.
 
-----
 
Section 2.6 - It would be useful to make some direct reference to
multicast at this point.  Otherwise it leaves the reader wondering what
the relationship between one-to-group and multicast is, and what else it
could be.
 
Section 8.  
Paragraph 2 - "As an example, delay..." should be "As an example,
delays..."
 
Paragraph 3 - "... requirement is the online gaming." should be "...
requirement is online gaming."
                  - "A very light delay..." should be "A very small
delay..."
 
Paragraph 8 - "might want to know how this statistics distributed over
...." should be "might want to know how these statistics are distributed
over..."
                  - "... information on how good the service...." should
be "... information on how well the service..."
                  - "It needs twice calculation..." should be "It
requires twice as much calculation..."
                  - "We name this kind of statistics 2-level statistics
to distinct with.... " should be "This kind of statistics is referred to
as 2-level statistics to distinguish them from..."
 
Section 8.1
Paragraph 1 - "For example, the lost packet..." should be "For example a
lost packet..."
                  - "However, the packet loss has so strong impact on
..." should be "However, packet loss has such a strong impact on..."
 
Paragraph 2 - "... no single packet arrives all users..." is broken - it
is not clear what it should be.  As a guess "... in the case where no
packets arrive at any user..."
 
Section 9.1 - "... when the measurement has huge number..." should be
"... includes a very large number ..."
                  - "... reference point by over load the ... " should
be "... reference point by overloading the ..."
                  - ... and release the pressure of the scalability
issue ..." should be " ... and mitigate issues arising from
scalability..."
                  - "... between the bandwidth consuming and ..." should
be " ... between bandwidth consumption and ..."
                  - "... and the information acquiring has to be taken
into account when design the measurement campaign ..." should be " and
information acquisition has to be taken into account when designing the
measurement approach ..."
                  - "The possible solution... " should be "One possible
solution..."
                  - "If the detail results are required.... " should be
"If detailed results are required ..."
 
Section 9.2 - "... to be routed than send and ..." should be "to be
routed than sent and...."
 
Section 9.3 - "2 methods" should be "Two methods" (appears twice at
least).
                 - "...for computing the stat over space." should be
"... for subsequent computations over the spatial dimension."
 
Section 9.3.1 - "2 methods" should be "Two methods" 
                    - "... by each points of interest..." should be "...
for each point of interest..."
                    - "method2" should be "Method2"
 
Section 9.3.2 - "2 methods" should be "Two methods"
 
Section 10.2.1 - "... there is a path tree SHOULD be reported rather
than A path." is broken - it is unclear what it should properly say.
                      - "If, by anyway, ... " should be "If, in any
case, ..."
                      - "... might be difficult to identify its
position..." should be " ... might make it difficult to identify its
position ..."
                      - " ... the packet travelled through ..." should
be "... the packet travelling along ..."
 
Section 10.2.2 - ".. there is no need of order of points of interest."
is broken - it is unclear what it should say.
 
Section 10.4 
Paragraph 2 - "The information model is build...." should be "The
information model is built..."
                  - "... by sections "Methodology" and "errors and
Uncertainties" sections." should drop the second use of "sections".

Loki Jorgenson

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