Subject: [NEXTEL-1] Mad, Mad Marketing

From: [email-masked]
Date: Fri, 30 May 2003 11:43:28 -0400

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Mad, Mad Marketing
Friday May 30, 9:49 am ET

By Rex Moore

The four-blades thing put me over the edge.
Maybe you've heard about it: Schick -- which was recently sold by Pfizer (NYSE: PFE - News) to Energizer Holdings (NYSE: ENR - News) -- is scheduled to introduce the world's first four-bladed razor later this year. When I heard the announcement on the radio, I swerved across four lanes of Capital Beltway traffic, jumped out of my car, and screamed in frustration as another milestone passed in my great losing battle.

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After I was released the next morning, I decided I'd better write my thoughts down in an attempt to understand and better deal with my rage. It just seemed like the therapeutic thing to do.
It all started a long time ago when, as I kid, I saw a shaving commercial for a then-revolutionary two-blade design from Gillette (NYSE: G - News). Two blades shave closer than one, you see, because the first blade pulls the whisker slightly from the skin and the second blade slices it off cleanly before it can snap back. They even had a convincing animated demonstration.
"But wait," I said. "If the first blade pulls the whisker from the skin, why doesn't the second blade do the same? Why aren't men everywhere writhing on the floor in pain from snapped-back whiskers?"
"It's just a commercial," said my dad. "Don't worry about it." And that was the first time the knowledge that we expect to be lied to in commercials entered my brain. (Note to Gillette lawyers: I use the word "lie" here in a general, non-suable, all-encompassing, all-companies kind of way.)
This was further reinforced in junior high, when the subject of corporate donations came up in one of my classes. The teacher referenced the then-popular Chevron (NYSE: CVX - News) "People Do" commercials, where the oil company expressed all kinds of concern for the environment. Protecting bald eagles or butterflies, for instance. "Do people really reach that high just to protect a natural wonder? People do."
"So," my teacher said. "Does anyone believe a big corporation would really go out of its way and spend a lot of money just to save a butterfly?" Still believing in the goodness of humans and all things they associate with (like multinational oil conglomerates), I answered in the affirmative. After a telling one-second pause, she said, "No, they'll only spend money if they think it will make them more money in the long run."
She was right, of course. Though there may be some rare exceptions, for the most part a large corporation is not going to spend millions of dollars on something simply out of the goodness of its heart. From that point on, I fell completely into the same old They're-Lying-But-It's-OK frame of mind as the rest of the world.
Unfortunately, this concept has spread well beyond the world of marketing. Britain's Economic and Social Research Council actually published a study by Glen Newey of the University of Strathclyde that came to the astonishing conclusion that politicians lie. (Next subject: determining the color of an orange.)
What's more, we all know they lie and we just play along. "Politics should be regarded as less like an exercise in producing truthful statements and more like a poker game," Newey told the Observer newspaper. "And there is an expectation by a poker player that you try to deceive them as part of the game."
It was this quote that set me on the path to my Beltway tirade. Have we just totally given in? Do we not care that politicians and marketers have thrown so much deceit at us that it's numbed our brains?
For example, there's a Nextel (Nasdaq: NXTL - News) commercial where actor Eric McCormack is standing in line at a crowded deli. When it's his turn, he orders some cheese. The disgusted man behind the counter asks, "What kind of cheese?" Eric says he doesn't know. "Next!" yells the man. But wait... Eric says he'll call his wife on his cell phone and find out. But, the wife doesn't answer and the line behind him grows restless.
Now just imagine, the announcers says, if Eric had been able to use Nextel's walkie-talkie feature. Beep-beep: "Honey, you didn't say what kind of cheese." Beep-beep: "Muenster," says honey.
Suddenly, it's my childhood all over again. "If the wife didn't answer the cell phone call, why in the world would she answer the walkie-talkie call on the same phone?"
"It's just a commercial," said my 13-year-old son. "Don't worry about it."
And with that, it came full circle. My son's words marked the passing of one full generation of deceit. It certainly wasn't the only such generation (did cigarette makers really claim smoking was good for your throat?), but it's the only one I lived through. And now, my own son has been so inundated that he's already showing the jaded demeanor my father exhibited so long ago (while I, obviously, am a much slower learner).
And throughout my generation, we can measure how much the level of obfuscation has risen simply by counting blades. From one blade to two blades to three blades... and now, in late 2003, we'll see four. Will historians a millennium from now look back on us with a sense of longing, as they struggle to hoist 32 blades to their faces?
My Beltway blowup was not caused by the Blade Count reaching four; rather it was the knowledge that there's just not a darned thing we can do about the all the subterfuge. My kids will grow up listening to two political parties debate every issue with the knowledge that the politicians view them as poker players, expecting to be lied to. They'll grow up with marketers telling them to lather, rinse, and repeat; that some additives are better than others, but none surpasses the proven power of Techron; and that sending text messages so you can push your skiing buddy out of the lift while he's sleeping is a good use of your money.
Here are some other ads my fellow Fools have found infuriating:

Bose selling high-end sound in a TV commercial when you are listening to it with a crappy 4-inch speaker at 1/4 watt.

Pharmaceutical companies advocating use of specific drugs when one of the side effects is death. Or, the greatest advertised side effect ever: "You may experience gas with oily discharge, increased bowel movements, an urgent need to have them, and an inability to control them."

A couple thinks the neighbors are away on vacation, so they prance on over to get all cozy and giggly in the neighbor's hot tub. They sink into the warm bubbles feeling naughty while toasting each other with... Diet Pepsi? In the cans, no less. I don't think so.

I'll be you have some examples, too. Please tell us all about them on our Fool on the Hill discussion board.
Rex Moore lathers, rinses, but never repeats. He owns no companies mentioned in this column. His holdings, when taken with the Fool's disclosure policy, can help relieve flaky itching.

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