Subject: [NEXTEL-1] Nextel Cup

From: [email-masked]
Date: Tue, 01 Jul 2003 10:01:00 -0400

------ Original Message --------
   From: Robert Schwaninger <[email-masked]>
Subject: Nextel Cup

I can only envision the running of the Nextel Cup.The race would be among a white
panel truck, driven by a local two-way shop going to service a customer's mobile
unit; an ambulance on the way to rescue a fireman who has been overcome by smoke
while fighting a three-alarm blaze; an eighteen wheeler, driven by one of Nextel's
fleet customers; a BMW convertible, driven by the pampered daughter of a
successful CPA; and a jaguar driven by Morgan O'Brien.

The Two-Way Operator's panel truck wouldn't make it out of the pits because Nextel
would have the race officials declare that for reasons of safety, the panel truck
must swap its wheels with the Nextel jaguar, at the operator's cost.Nextel does
agree, however, to pay for the hot air to inflate them following the swap.ITA and
PCIA join in the decision saying, "if we didn't go along, the race officials would
have done something else really, really bad."They offer to remove the lug nuts
without charge to show their concern.

The ambulance would be side-swiped on the first turn by the Nextel jaguar.However,
Nextel is not charged with the accident because its car was lawfully licensed in
the state where the race was held, the ambulance's engine was not made
sufficiently "robust" to outrun the Nextel jaguar, the ambulance's fenders were
manufactured in a manner that rendered them susceptible to collision, and besides,
the cellular operators really caused the accident in the first place.

The eighteen wheeler does not finish the race because it runs of out gas.The owner
explains to the driver that there was only so much money in the budget and the
company could spend it on paying Nextel's industry-high revenue per unit for
operation of the radio in the vehicle, or on gas.The money went to Nextel and the
driver is forced to walk home after his truck conks out.

Nextel wins the race and celebrates by giving a really nifty minutes package to
the BMW driver, who immediately exceeds the use package, causing her father to be
stuck with a bill for $14,000 because the teen driver and her friends couldn't
decide how to decorate the gym for the prom and the haggling over an underwater
theme versus a thug-rocker theme is debated for weeks.

Later, Nextel's representatives testify before the FCC that due to the high
minutes of usage experienced on their system, they will require authority to
transmit at up to 50,000 watts ERP from transmitters mounted atop the heads of
people's pets.Following complaints that various people's dogs were found par
broiled by the Nextel system, men being sterilized in a manner that followed
witnessing of a rather disturbing two "pops", and damage to trees, painted
surfaces, and flying insects, Nextel announces its two-prong response to the
thousands of incidents stating, "we have reconfirmed our efforts to the Best
Practices Guide and hereby announce that our units will compete with the Mosquito
Magnet."

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